The Lorde and Savior

Hey!

OK, just a fair warning: this post may seem slightly melodramatic. I really don't want to sound like a drama queen, but let's be honest: I probably will. That's sort of just the way I am. I don't mean to be, though and I just want to say that I am writing this post with complete and utter sincerity.

If you know me at all, you know that I'm passionate about music. You also know that I can get pretty obsessed with specific bands/songs/etc. I could talk for hours about many of my musical obsessions, but today I am focusing on the most influential musical and writing idol in my life.

Lorde, or Ella Yelich-O'Connor, debuted at her first album in 2013, when she was only 16 years old. The album was entitled "Pure Heroine,"and it didn't take long for the world to take notice of it. In the fall of 2013, I began, myself, listening to this album and became obsessed. I was 12. As a young child, pretty much all of the music that I listened to was stuff that my parents played for me, usually '80s pop, soul, and rock stuff. As much as I loved that music and their enthusiasm to share it with me, I had never really had the experience of bonding with music, and really connecting to it. I first heard Royals the way I listened to so much of my music as a little kid: in the car with my dad. I don't remember the specifics, but I was struck by the song, and quickly found the rest of the album to listen to. I think one of the main things that appealed to me about Ella's music was its unapologetic honesty. It wasn't even that the subject matter of Pure Heroine was particularly happy, but the words and content themselves felt uncensored. So much of modern music I had heard on the radio felt fake, like it was being produced for the sake of making more money – but these songs were natural.

So, when I heard the Lorde was coming to Austin for the first stop on her Pure Heroine tour, I basically lost my shit. Luckily I have an amazing father who is more than willing to take me, and was also fortunate enough to afford it. That was my first concert, and was honestly one of the happiest nights of my life. This is going to sound kinda emo, and I'm sorry, but I don't have a lot of happy memories for my teen and preteen years. It was kind of an out of body experience for me. I had never even after years of doing musical theater, felt this much adrenaline. I remember her coming onstage and how my heart leapt into my throat, even though I reassured my dad that I wouldn't be a crazy fangirl. I remember screaming all the lyrics the top of my lungs.

Over the years, I've stayed connected to that album. I always listen to it when I feel overwhelmed or vulnerable, because for some reason, it brings me an incredible amount of comfort. To be honest, I've never gained a full understanding as to why connect to Ella's music so much as I do. I just do. Obviously, over the next years after the concert, my music taste shifted and grew. I went through a hideous emo phase and listen to more less – than – thoughtful music than I care to admit. I still stayed connected to Pure Heroine. As time went on, anticipation grew regarding the release of "Lorde's new album." What was it going to be like? Was it going to live up to everyone's expectations? And most of all: when was it going to drop? There were a lot of impatient fans out there. I tried to keep things in perspective. I felt sort of bad for all of the pressure Ella was under.

Okay, so this is when I lost my shit: I was browsing Twitter sometime at the end of February when I came across a post from the official Saturday Night Live Twitter account. It was the announcements for hosting musical guest for the upcoming month. My heart skipped a beat when I saw her name on there that must've meant that new music was coming. I know I must sound overdramatic at this point. It was literally one episode of a TV show with a cool musical guest. But you have to understand: this was my favorite TV show, a TV show that had changed my life and was the highlight of my week, with the absolute most inspiring artist in my life guest performing. In my less-than-extravagant life, this was a pretty big deal.

A few days later, Green Light was released. For those of you who don't know, Green Light is one of the two songs currently pre-released on Lorde's upcoming album. I listened, and I fell in love. The tone was different than the original album, but somehow it managed that exact same emotional depth and honesty I had come to know so well.

Then came Liability. Liability was released on one of the worst days in my recent memory. I had been in school all day, dodging in and out of classes to cry in the bathroom stalls. I had finished all of my work in 6th period when I was browsing YouTube and I saw it. I didn't expect it to hit me so intensely. I have never had lyrics speak to me the way they do in that song. And it was just what I needed on that day. It had been a day of feeling sick, almost throwing up, having panic attacks, and sobbing in rooms full of my peers. I felt like a burden. And so the words of the song hit me.

You would think that hearing the melancholy words would make me feel worse, like all of my negative thoughts about myself were being reinforced, but that wasn't the case at all. I felt understood. Even if the lyrics didn't have the intended meaning that I took from them, I felt like I wasn't alone. Again, cheesy. I know. But still. It's honestly true.

The unbelievably anticipated SNL Performance was two days later. It blew my mind. Ella's magnetism was contagious. As I sat on my parents bed, glued to the screen, I felt the smile spread across my face. I wasn't really entitled, but I felt proud that Ella had finally gotten to perform on SNL. 

The other day was a very difficult day for my family, for personal reasons. The only reason I feel the need to say this is that my sensitivity that day was heightened, which should probably be taken into account. Anyhoo, I don't know if you guys have heard of Rookie Mag, but it's a fabulous website and book series started by Tavi Gevinson, who started the site when she was only 15 (like me, only I'm not getting anywhere with this…) The concept was for it to be for teens, by teens, and they feature all of this great artwork by teens. (This is not an ad, I swear, I'm not that known.) Back to the point: the other day I saw on Twitter that Rookie had put out it's first podcast. And the guest interviewee? Yep. That's right. Ella Yelich-O'Connor. Lorde. I knew Lorde had done work with Tavi in the past, and that they were friends, but I was still shocked that they had made a podcast!

Now, throughout this long post I've talked about how much I love Ella and how her lyrics speak to me, but let me tell you, this podcast erased any doubt in my mind that this woman was (is) anything but motivated, thoughtful, and brilliant.

 Without giving you a synopsis of the entire podcast, I want to mention something Ella said about her songwriting process that really stood out to me. She addressed allegations that her new song, Green Light, was a pop song and that therefore she herself had "turned pop." Obviously, she said no, that wasn't true, but her reasoning was interesting to me. In the middle of her interview with Tavi on the podcast, she ran to grab a recording of Jack Antonoff and herself hashing out the song. He was playing choppy bits of piano inspired by motions the two of them saw at the Florence and the Machine concert, and she was humming out a bit of melody with the words that she had worked out.

When the Recording stopped, Ella explained that there was no way she "turned Pop," because the song was only ever that: bits of lyrics, piano movements, and notes, straight from her imagination. There was no conscious decision. The art was what it was. And, as she said, it needed to be made. She said, and I'm really paraphrasing bits and pieces of this from memory here, that some creative people need to create these things. They need to.

And this is what speaks to me: I need to write. I need to draw. I need to create. It's what keeps me going. It's what makes me want to stay alive.( Any tøp fans out there? Lmao.) But at the same time, I'm getting caught up in what other people will think about my creative work. Will it seem to pop – y? Too dramatic? Not intellectual enough? But why should it matter? Aren't I doing this work because it needs to be made? What would happen if I stopped hyper analyzing my process, and just let the words, music, lines, notes, etc. come out? That's what I'm going to work on. In fact, I'm working on it just by writing this.

I'm sorry that this was a long post today, but I really felt as though all of those things needed to be said. If Ella could see this, I would tell her a cheesy-ass thank you. Thank you for being an unintentional role model for me. Thank you for being true to yourself. Thank you for making music.

This was a long one, guys, but I hope you enjoyed it, or could take something out of it. No matter what kind of work (artistic or not) you do, stay true to yourself through it, and keep doing it.

Until Next Time,

Shira